An Open Letter to Opossums

So an opossum decided to take residence under my house. It's a good thing the previous owner left an animal trap up in the attic because I set it to good use. I baited that shit with some fancy organic peanut butter and set it outside the house. Guess what? I tell you what! I trapped that little critter. Then I relocated that marsupial to the country where it can live free and be hunted by feral dog packs.

But, here's what I gotta say. I got words for you opossums out there. All right? You listenin' up? You guys are sick. Seriously. Ya'll are gross lookin' animals.

I mean, double you tee eff, man? How can you live with that nastay azz tail? Sheezus. If I had a disgusting tail like that I woulda gone out and gotten myself eaten by a coyote or some shit. You opossums need to learn after the squirrel. See the squirrel is basically a nasty gross rodent like a rat, but they got that cute bushy little tail. Oh, and instead of sqeaking, they make a cute chattering noise. Nobody runs and screams when they see a squirrel. Instead they go, "Hey, look at the cute squirrel eating those nuts like a little cutie pie." Nobody ever says, "Hey, look at that diseased fucking skeezy shithouse possum eating that filthy garbage like a little cutie pie."

Why ya'll gotta be like that? Take some animal pride in yourself, for fuck's sake.