Hey hey hey Mr. cat

Hey hey hey Mr. cat. What do you think you are doing. Hunh? What do you think you are doing? You walking in here like you own the place. What you got in your mouth? What you think you doing? Hunh? What you think you doing?

I keep my eye on you, Mr. cat. Strutting around like that. Like you own the place. Lemme tell you, you don't own nothing. Nothing, Mr. cat. You ain't got shit.

I tell you what you got. You got a bowl a cat food and some water. That's what you got. Uh-huh, that's what you got, Mr. cat.

Don't you meow at me, Mr. cat. Don't you dare meow at me. I will put you outside. I will put you outside for the night. I will ignore your cat calls, your meows. I will leave you be and you can sleep outside tonight, Mr. cat. Yes, that's right. You can sleep your ass outside, Mr. cat.

You got a problem with that? You want to rub your furry body against my legs? You want to sit in my lap and purr? Is that the best you got? Hunh? Is that the best you got?

Come here, Mr. cat. Come here, little kitten. Come sit in my lap, purr. Come here, Mr. cat. Come here.

Somebody Done Took Mah Chay

There I am, just sittin' and workin', killin' it like a goddamn, and then --KABOOM!-- all of a sudden I'm looking at the ceiling, on the floor, in a broken chair. Whoa, the chair just snapped and broked and down I went. Whoa.

The normal procedure at this point is to order a new chair. The facilities people will, at some point, come by and remove the broken chair and replace it with a new chair. It should not take too long. It is simple to do. It does not even require a manager's approval. It will just be taken care of.

The next day, right before lunch, I get a brand new chair. A nice chair. A fine chair. A lovely chair, if I may say so. It does not look like the other chairs that other people have. It is nice, and I sit in it. Oh yeah, this will work just nicely, this nice chair will work, yes I have the chair, now. Time for lunch.

I go to lunch, deepthroat a burrito or something, come back to sit in that nice chair. That lovely chair. I'm gonna have sex in that chair (that's probably not going to happen, that would be inappropriate work behavior). I am gonna sit in that chair, and like it.

And then, the chair is not there! The chair is gone! Instead, there is some crummy piece of crap chair in it's place. An ugly crummy chair with like a weird stain on it, like a sweaty ball stain, right where one's balls would rest. Somebody took my chair! Some motherfucker piece of shit stole my brand new chair! This cannot stand! This aggression cannot stand! I will find you, and I will get my chair back. I will not forget this, ever!

That Motherfucker Fly

That motherfucker fly keeps flying on me. It keeps flying on me and landing and then flying away only to return again. Here I am, alone, minding my own, and this asshole motherfucker fly won't stop.

There it is. Right now. On my pant leg. I swat at it, even leading it by a few inches, knowing that it will attempt escape once it senses the swoosh of my arm and hand. Again, I miss. It buzzes by my ear, just to taunt me, that motherfucker fly.

Don't Sneeze When You Hold a Baby

When you are holding a baby and you have to sneeze, it is a good idea to not just go ahead and sneeze all over the baby. If possible, try to turn your head, in a direction completely away from the baby, even if it is directed directly towards the mother, and let your sneeze go boom.

I shouldn't have to tell you that sneezing on a baby is dumb. You should know better. But, if you don't, then here's where I tell you to not sneeze on a baby because it is dumb. Just don't do it. Seriously.

Covering your mouth, like with your shoulder sleeve, is considered a good idea when you have to sneeze and you don't want to spread your sneeze germs all over the place. However, if you do have to sneeze, and you cover up, and you are holding a baby, then it is probably a good idea to just go ahead and pass the baby to person on your left, so you can go wash your hands.

It's DAMMIT not DAMNIT, DAMMIT!

Dammit. Why can't people learn that it's dammit, not damnit. Whenever I see some idiot hoser write out damnit I think, goddammit, what the hell? I have no idea if there are any rules here, there very well may be, I could care less, but there is definitely a preference. That preference is for dammit, dammit.

See, it's like this. If you want to say damn then you say damn, not dam, unless you want to talk about a dam. If an object is there, and you do not care for it, for whatever reason, and you somehow wish damnation upon said object, then you damn it. However, let's suppose you smack your finger with a damn hammer, then you say dammit! If you want that hammer to go to hell, then you damn it. Never, ever, never, do you "damnit". That's just stupid.

When I see "damnit", I pronounce it dam-nit. Because why not? When I see dammit, then I say dammit, and I mean it.

Sometimes I think about stuff

I was thinking that if you saw a hypothetical tapeworm in your bathroom toilet and it was covered in blood and poo that that would be kinda nasty. I was thinking that.

I was also thinking that what if an elevator was going up, then the cable broke, and it "fell" upward. How? Magnets.

Then, I was thinking it would be really embarrassing if you were stuck on a crowded elevator and then you "accidentally" farted cum.

One time, I was thinking that a cool slang term for orange juice would be "orange j". Would you like a glass of orange j? No thanks, I'll just have some grape j (that stands for grape juice).

A few years ago, I was thinking that someone should tell squirrels to finally just chill the fuck out and relax, man. I would do it myself, but I'm shy.

I was thinking that it would be cool if I was riding my bike and then an awesome majestic hawk came swooping down and like totally landed on the handlebars and rode with me for a few blocks. Then it said "AWK!" and just beelined like a bird straight up to a dumb squirrel and choked the shit out of it.

Gassin' Up the Ole Motor Bike

The other day I was at the gas station, not to buy gas, but to buy beer, so I could get drunk for the evening, and it was a Wednesday, and Mythbusters comes on on wednesdays and the dvr was all set to record. Anywhere, there was a guy at the gas pump sitting on his motorcycle with his legs splayed and the gas hose and nozzle going right between his thighs. His gashole was right there below the seat, and he was just sitting there, spreadin' 'em while sticking that nozzle down in there to fill it up to the top, right there in broad daylight, where anyone could see.

This was when I realized that I don't think I've ever seen a person gas up a motorcycle before. Certainly not like this fella was doin' it. They way he was doin' it looked filthy, like maybe I should have payed money to see it. It made me feel ashamed.

It's kinda weird though, that a person can go for over thirty years of life and not really ever notice somebody put gas in a motor cycle.

April Douche!

Godmotherfuck, oh shit, it's that time again. That time when every toolbag douchface sacknut fuckhole thinks they're Mr. funnypants asswipe and can pulloff some lazy ass lame ass bullshit fuckwipe April Fool's Joke that absolutely zero people find funny.

It's that time when every single nerdtoolshit feels the need to pull off some awful lame ass joke, that always takes about 3 seconds to go "hey this doesn't make sense, oh, yeah, it's April first, haha, good one, douche-homedepot."

It would be one thing if a single April Fool's Day joke were actually funny. But they're not. For the most part, it's just a license for everyday normal nerdholes to act like dicks. Haha, we are betraying yer trust fer no reason at all! Fuck you! Assmunch! Haha, eat it!

Crank 2: High Voltage was snubbed by the Oscars

Or, rather I should say that Crank 2: High Voltage (from here on out shall be officially and conveniently designated as C2:HiV) was snubbed by the HITLERS!!!!

Ok, so the Oscar Dickshit Association of Assmunching didn't nominate C2:HiV for Best Picture. Ok. Whatever. See, here's the thing, this year those Oscarholes expanded their crap prize to a nomination field of 10 up from 5. And now they seriously want to tell me that C2:HiV was not one of the top 10 films of this past year?!

Now, before all 3 of you losers actually reading this get yer pantaloons in a bundle, understand that is not a joke. This is not Ha-Ha-Laff-Laff time. This is not an ironic moustache with an ironic t-shirt on some dude that needs to be immediately injured in the legs. This is sincere. Like a sincere cupcake that says "I love you". I have no idea what that means.

Will Mac's iPad Tard Yer Nuts?

The Apple Computing Company released plans for a new tablet doo-dad thing called the iPad the other day. Perhaps you heard of this. This magical device is an enlarged version of the iPod Touch. Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, just stone cold took a product they already had and said make it bigger, then did a cannonball off the diving board into his cash filled swimming pool.

One of the interesting things about this game-changer is that people will sit in their big comfy chairs, cozy in their slankets with a glass of wine and some smoove jazz playing whilst holding the iPad in their lap, right next to "down there", with wireless stuff going on. I think you know where I'm going with this...

Yep, that's right, all kinds of radiation will be going through people's dick, pussy, balls, and asshole. For men, it is quite possible that this thing will tard your nuts, making your sperm all mutated and shit. For women, it probably won't do anything, unless they hold it next to their ovaries. Also, it's probably not a good idea for the ladies to hold this on their chest, especially if they're breast feeding.

Anyhow, iPad users will then go on and have dumb babies, who will be more than happy to use an iPad.