Today is the Winter Solstice

The daylight did seem to go by fast today. Indeed, that must be why.

Guess which Moral Leader beats his dachshund with a belt?

Exit the Funk

Somehow I ended up on this site entitled "Ten Healthy Actions to Help Get Yourself out of a Funk." I thought this might be helpful, although, I'm not so sure that I'm in the "funk." So here we go.

1. Go for a walk.

I go for a walk every day. I walk to the beer store.

2. Do a Random Act of Kindness.

I am filled with random acts of kindness.

3. Clear out clutter.

Alright, I admit, I have some clutter. But, I did clean out my car today. I don't feel any different.

4. Try a new recipe.

Good lord, I try a new recipe just about everyday. I'm always cooking. Next.

5. Volunteer at a food pantry

Nah. Fuck that.

6. Hug a Tree.

That's stupid. Next.

7. Change your bed sheets.

Did that. The other sheets were stained pretty bad.

8. Go see a funny movie.

I saw Shaun of the Dead. Very funny.

9. Spend quality time with a child.

Nah, fuck that.

10. Pamper Yourself.

I have to admit, this really worked. I went to the drug store and got myself some Pampers

Don't Make Me Bust Out the Spanking Machine

My trusty droid R6D5 pointed me out to an interesting device called the "Robospanker." It is a most unusual product. This machine, it spanks people on the bottom and causes pain. You can read the exciting "testamonials" here.

This Salon Article Summary is Misleading

In Salon today, they have a review for a movie called Million Dollar Baby. On the front page of Salon, they say in the summary for the articlethat:

Clint Eastwood's boxing movie floats like a lead balloon and stings like a dead bee.

I think that is a dumb thing to say. First of all, a lead (or would it be "leaded") balloon would not be able to float. That's a fact, jack. Heck, it wouldn't even be able to float on water, much less air. It might be able to float on the backs of the working poor, but I don't think Mr. Charles Taylor was trying to imply that.

Second, if a bee dies and you "accidentally" touch it's stinger, you will get stung. You will be stunged and it will hurt just as if the bee were alive. Of course, Mr. Taylor never tells us how the bee died. Is it possible that the bee died after stinging someone? Because, if you're smart like me, then you already know that if a bee stings someone then it will die. Now this dead bee would not have a stinger left, so it would not be able to sting at all.

So, before you think I'm stupid, I realize that this statement is a play on this famous statement made by a famous boxer:

I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now that is a cool thing to say. Because I know that butterflies float around really quick like and bees make strong attacks and sting. If I were a boxer, and someone said that to me, I might be concerned. Or I might retaliate with something like:

"I throw shit like a monkey and I kick like a horse."

"You're not allowed to kick. This isn't kick boxing," the other boxer would say.

"Oh it's not, then where's the kick boxing tournament, because I'm in the wrong place."

"It's just down the hall, in room 231."

"Oh thanks," I say as I leave the ring. "Oh one more thing..."

"Yeah, what is it."

"Good luck."

"Thanks, man. Good luck to you, too. Kick some ass."

"I will. I will kick some ass. Hard."

So I go to the Kickboxing room and I walk into the ring for my match, and I swear to God, right when the bell rings, I get kicked in the head so effing hard that I fall into the ropes and kinda bounce back and then the dude does this combination one-two punch-kick thing (I gotta learn that, because it looks really cool, especially when it's coming right at you), and I am down like a lead balloon filled with a dead bee with no stinger.

"One, two, three, four, five," the referee counts, "six, seven, eight, nine, ten. You're out! Match over."

He raises the winner's hand and the announcer says, "the winner of match 13 goes to Jean-Claude Van Damme. He will be advancing to the next round. Congratulations Jean-Claude."