Election Prediction

Not by me, but by this guy, James Wolcott, who is an actual writer for some magazine or something. Here's his method:

But for shorthand what I did was take the Nickolodeon Poll for kids, which has correctly predicted the last four elections, and work from there.

The bright youngsters who took part in this poll, 400,000 strong, voted Kerry 57, Bush 43.

Since kids are naturally exuberant, until it's beaten out of them by the System, I shaved off two points from Kerry, gave those two to Bush.

Kerry 55, Bush 45, that's my lighter than air prediction.

So what does this mean? Nothing. So what are ya'll gonna be for Halloween? I ain't gotta costume yet.

UPDATE: Those little bastards at Nickolodeon were so wrong!

Lines

People are lining the street. Some are in line for a flu shot. Others are in line for Aerosmith tickets. Slappy McBappy is torn. He doesn't know which line to get into. He really wants to get a flu shot because he's gotten the flu for the past seven, count them, seven years in a row. On the other hand, he hasn't seen Aerosmith in, like, twelve years. Of course, he can tune his radio to 103.6 HawkRawk Radio and hear Aerosmith at least once an hour (twice an hour on "Two-fer Tuesdays" and thrice an hour on "Triple Shot Thursdays").

But, the flu sucks ass. Flu shot line wins. Slappy happily lines up behind an elderly woman in a wheelchair. There are at least, and I am not good at estimating crowds, but there must be at least one bajillion people in line waiting for a flu shot. Slappy is impatient and unhappy.

He's unhappy because he went to the dentist earlier and he had to get a bunch of fillings. He's impatient because the line is fucking long as fuck.

"Fuck fuck fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fucker fuck," said Slappy.

"Young man, could you please watch your language. I don't care to hear that. In fact, most people don't want to hear that," said the elderly lady in the wheelchair.

"Bitch, suck my fat fuckin' dick you wrinkled old haggity ass cunt," Slappy thought to himself but did not actually say aloud.

"I'm sorry ma'am. I will watch my language from now on. I was just frustrated because this line is really, really, really assfucking long," Slappy actually did say aloud.

"That's okay, but there's no need to be so angry. Why are you so angry?" said the elderly woman.

"Oh, I just have a really stressful job."

"Is it worth it?"

"Hell yeah. You should see what I make. I got a Tahoe."

"A Tahoe won't get you to heaven, young man."

"Bullshit. Tahoes go everywhere. I got a hot tub, too. Wanna party?"

Just then, a man in a white lab coat walked down the sidewalk and announced over a bullhorn that all the flu shots were gone.

Slappy didn't hesitate for a second and immediately switched over to the Aerosmith line.

"Back in black!" shouted Slappy.

"Uh, that's ACDC," stated a doofus in line for the Aerosmith tickets.

"Walk this way!" replied Slappy as he unleashed a ham sandwich from his pants pocket.

Unbeknownst to Slappy, his ham sandwich had flu all up in it.

BOO-YAH!

Base-ball

I think that I have decided that I am going to root for the Houston Astroids in the final game of the National League Baseball tournament. I think the Houstons have a good team and they will defeat the Sainted Louis Carnivals by doing good hitting and throwing and, of course, catching. Don't forget, Santa Louis players are always adjusting their nutsacks and penises, and this could hurt them. If I was the coach, I would say something like, "boys, keep your eye on the ball and your head on the game." I probably wouldn't mention the whole crotch play thing, because I feel that as a coach, you should try to maintain positivity.

I am Mature

Tom Brokaw says "bukkake". (Don't waste your time viewing this if you don't want to, it's really not worth it.)

Bill O'Reilly Talks About Sex

The O'Sexxxy Factor. This is golden.

Jon Stewart Confronts CNN's Crossfire

Video clippeth here. Best part is when Jon Stewart calls Tucker Carlson a dick (no, I am not kidding either).

The Man on the Corner

There's a man. A man on the corner. On the corner of the corner. The corner of the corner of the corner of the street. He's there, and he's standing and just happens to be drooling out of the right side of his mouth.

Paralyzed, his right side face side can't move the way it used too. Oh, as a child he could smile, rooms and situations would brighten with his smile, wide as the mighty motherfuckin' Mississipp. That wide, but not as muddy. Bright, like a lamp post that just so happened to be on a darkly lit street where the crack dealers hung out. Teeth like the wind, given that the wind had the capability to be bright and white and all that shit.

Slappy McBappy approached this man, ham sandwich in his hand, and the man asked Mr. McBappy a question.

The question was so incomprensible that not only did Mr. McBappy not get it, but I didn't get it as well.

"Huh?" said Mr. McBappy.

"What the shit you be dickin' wit' da booyah peepaw, sucka?" said the man on the corner.

"Huh?" said Mr. McBappy.

"I said, boo bah pee paw ding dong daddy doo corn cob pipe glue gun chair?"

"No, seriously, what the fuck man?" said Mr. McBappy.

"Chickens enjoy the good weather, yes?"

"Sure."

"The tits like football in the house when the kittens take turns sharing, am I right?"

"Look, man, I just gotta cross the street. I can't take this crazy talk."

"Purple skippers do the fountain boy gus butt quick dude?"

"Light looks green to me, crazy man."

"Ham sandwich."

"Huh?"

"I done just said 'ham sandwich', dickbutt."

"Ba?"

"Gimmee da fucken ham sammich."

"U no need no ham sammich, beesh."

"Ding dong daddy done did it wit da doo dah doo dah?"

Slappy McBappy was utterly confused. He was so confused that he pulled down his sock and pulled up his pants and tightened his belt and relaxed the top button on his shirt and then yanked his hair violently with his left hand while his right hand tossed the ham sandwich to the duck pond that just so happened to be within the area.

"Dude, that's fucked up," said the man on the corner.

"Watch your language, butthole," said Slappy McBappy. "Chew on this for awhile."

A tiny little white mouse popped out of Slappy's coat pocket and ran down his leg and puked on the sidewalk.

"Okay," said the man on the corner.

When Dinosaurs Were Cute

According to this news article from the Beeb:

Chinese scientists have unearthed the earliest known relative of the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex.

What is more, the creature, which lived 60 to 70 million years before T. rex, had fluffy feathers covering its body.

That's right, friends. Before the dinosaurs were scaly, slimy, nasty ass beasts that ate the cavemen; dinosaurs were fluffy, cuddly, and cute.







Oooh, I like the red one...

Thar's a Possum in th' Kitchen!

I named it Paul. Paul the possum. Unless, of course, I mean, it may be a female, I didn't check. In that case, her name would be Paulina. Paulina the possum.

Don't worry, my animal rights friend. Paul(ina) was not harmed in any way. The ole "broom handle on the screen door" technique was used to free the possum back to its nocturnal habitat.



The possum is the only marsupial that lives natively in North America. That's a fact.

Hiccups

Hey, sometimes adults get the hiccups, too. Okay, so it's usually after drinking, but kids know how to get rid of them. Trust the kids.

UPDATE: Holding your breath while pinching your nose for a long time until you almost pass out seems to work. huh? what's goin' on, man. Hey, what's everybody lookin' at?!?

Ron Jeremy's first goatse viewing

(This title alone should up my hit count). Go check out this Live Journal titled "I Goatsed Ron Jeremy".

If you don't know what goatse is, go here to read about it (trust me, this doesn't show the picture.)

Backwards Lyrics

We've all heard the tales before. Play some popular songs backwards and you will hear "messages". Well, this site has the proof. I'm so creeped out right now, I'm gonna have to sleep with a night light tonight.