Today is Friday the 13th

Boo!

Did I scare you?

Ok, I know that's not scary. But what if I told you a story about a floating baby head? That's scary right? Now imagine if the floating baby head had a big fang. We're getting spooky....

Now suppose that the floating baby head with a fang likes to eat blood. I know, that's predictable, but sometimes predictable things are scary.

So now, imagine sixteen mexican women working in a tortilla factory. They all have huge tits. This part isn't scary, I'm just setting up for the scary part.

Okay, so the baby head is floating down the street and it smells tortillas and it floats into the factory. One of the women sees the baby head and screams.

"Ay caramba!"

The baby head flies right into her, right into that space between her enormous breasts and it starts gnawing through her body. All the other women see this and they start screaming and tortillas just go flying everywhere. The manager, who happens to be a cowboy, is getting a blowjob in his office from the secretary and he hears the commotion.

"Get off me bitch, and watch the teeth next time," says the cowboy to the secretary. He walks out of his office and screams, "Hey, it ain't break time yet, get back to making them fuckin' tortillas, ya bitches!"

He sees the baby head.

"Holy fuck! What the ass is that?" The cowboy pulls his six shooter out of his holster and starts firing.

The baby head floats there and gobbles all the bullets up.

"Shit!" screams the cowboy. "Goddamn floatin' baby head!"

The janitor across the room puts down his broom and says, "you can't shoot a baby head. The only way you can kill a floating baby head is with nunchucks." Then the floating baby head flies across the room and kills the janitor. It ate his balls and his left arm.

The cowboy just happens to have a pair of nunchucks in his desk drawer. He gets them out and stands in the doorway and starts doing fancy karate shit with them.

"Come to papa you fucking baby bastard piece of whale shit motherfucker bitch."

The baby head ignores him and instead goes after the secretary. It flies up her pussy and eats it's way through and comes out of her ass. She's dead.

"Noooooo! You dumb baby head!" screams the cowboy with a tear in his eye.

The cowboy runs after the baby head with his nunchucks flailing. The baby flies into him but gets knocked across the room and lands in a vat of tortilla batter.

The baby head is stuck in there and starts crying.

"Awwww, it's scared," says one of the mexican women.

"Don't feel sorry for it." The cowboy walks up to the vat and nunchucks the baby head to death.

"Fuckin' floating baby head. Clean that vat up make some tortillas."

The end. Now that's a scary story. I hope I didn't scare you too much. I hope this doesn't give you nightmares. Be careful tonight. Watch out for floating baby heads!

Know What Sounds Good Right Now?

Corn bread.

And Now The Exciting Conclusion To The Tale Of The Mysterious Check

Editor's Note: This is part 2 of an extraordinary 2 part blog post story thing. Part 1 may be read here.

"Man, you smell like chocolate," said the teller.

And I did. I did indeed smell like chocolate.

I smelled like chocolate because the coffee that my wife made was chocolaty and I had coffee breath because I just drank a cup of coffee before I got to the bank. Thus, the teller smelled my coffee breath and said, "Man, you smell like chocolate." It's because I did smell like chocolate. It was chocolate flavored coffee to be exact.

I bet you didn't see that coming, did you?

And then, all of a sudden, would you believe it, Slappy McBappy walked in to the bank.

"Hello Jefe," said Slappy.

"Oh, hello there Slappy." I know Slappy from way back. We used to carpool together back when we worked at the ostrich rescue. "What are you doing today?"

"Uh, I forgot. Hey, have you seen my new camera? Check this sum bitch out."

"Slappy, that's not a camera, that's a Dragon's Lair lunchbox."

"Man, you smell like chocolate coffee. Hey, what did I do with my camera?"

Slappy opened up the lunch box and pulled out a ham sandwich and ate part of it.

Slappy's mouth was full and he was chewing on sandwich when he said, "want some?"

"No thanks," said I. "Welp, it was good to see you, I gots to skedaddle."

"Oh, I remember where my camera is," said Slappy. "It's under my hat." Slappy removed his hat.

"Slappy, that's not a camera, that's a baby duck."

"Oh."

The Tale of the Mysterious Check

A few years ago I overzealously paid too much in taxes. The IRS, correcting my mistake, asked if I wanted a check for the balance or if I would like to carry it over and use it for the next year's taxes. For some reason, I decided to opt for the second choice.

Well, the next year, being the first year I was married, we got a refund, but this did not include my refund from the previous year. So anyways, this year, we paid our taxes and then the next thing you know, we get a treasury check in the mail.

"What in the assshit is this for?" I think I actually said. "Hey, cool. 200 bucks. Let's cash it."

We soon figured out what it was for and agreed that it was my money, so I get to spend it how I want to (beer and tacos). So we both signed the back of the check (because it had both our names on it) and I took it my bank.

"Oh, I'm sorry, your wife needs to endorse the check to you since her name isn't on the account," said the bank teller.

So the next day, I explained to my wife what she needed to do and she asked why and I explained that it was because that's the rules. She said that her bank didn't do that and I said that the people at my bank were a bunch of butts. Then she agreed to endorse the check to me.

The next morning, I go into the bank and the bank teller recognizes me.
"I remember you from yesterday."

"That would be me. Did I do it right this time."

"Let's see here. Yep. Looks good."

"Cool."

"Okay, just have to wait for the statement to print."

"Cool."

"Man, you smell like chocolate," said the teller.

And I did. I did indeed smell like chocolate.

(to be continued...)