May 31, 2004

Shit Be Gone

For all you concious consumers out there, I'd like to introduce you to a toilet paper that "is manufactured to the highest standards of social and environmental responsibility." Say good day to Shitbegone brand toilet paper. It's "pillow soft" and "100% recycled." The site also mentions that:

Most people use toilet paper to wipe up shit, but most companies do not sell toilet paper by talking about shit. They sell it with the opposite of shit— bullshit. Fluffy bunnies and so on.


I would also like to point out that babies and clouds are also used to sell toilet paper.

May 18, 2004

Pee Pee On My Hands

Webzine Slate asks and answers an interesting question today. Why Do Athletes Pee on Their Hands? Since the ancient greeks, great thinkers have pondered this question of why athletes pee on their -- whoa, wait a minute! Hold yer horses! Whoa there! Whoaaaaa! Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Whaaaa?

Who the hell ever heard of athlete's peeing on their hands? Well, apparently they do. According to this article, baseball players piss their hands to toughen up the skin so they don't get blisters from swinging the big wooden bat. Personally, I would prefer to wear a pair of gloves, and then pee on my hands. But, whatever, I'm not a baseball player.

Unfortunately, the article never explains how they accomplish this. Like, do they just hang out in the dugout and start whizzing all over each other, aiming for the hands. Or, perhaps they have a big bucket, like one of those gatorade jugs, that they tee-tee into, so they can prepare their urea soaked hands before they head to the on deck circle.

This does lead me to wonder what other bodily fluids or by-products can be used for purposes other than their intended purpose (note: I actually don't know what the intended purpose is for anything, I mean, I guess it could be whatever you wanted it to be).

For example, sometimes I like to spit on my bare chest so I can slick back unruly chest hairs. Other times, I have been known to coat my lips with earwax as a lip balm. Ever popped a zit and squeezed the pus onto your salad? Me neither, but it might be good.