Stick in Stick
The Highness of the Heuropidian Hillocks of Humanidor holds the handrail as he hashes down the hilly hill. His hideous hair hangs. He's had it up to here. His old feeble legs wobble like jello on a vibrating bed.
He collapses.
"Man down!" yells a man up.
He lays on the ground with his aides around him. One of his aides has AIDS. The Highness stares through the legs of those around him and spots a bird in a nest in a tree.
The bird vomits.
It vomits up worm guts in the yappers of the little baby birds.
"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." His eyes shut. Sleep.
The aides looks around. One of the aides (the one with AIDS) says, "Look, over there."
Over there stands Slappy McBappy whittling a stick.
"His highness said that was the most beautiful thing ever," cries one of the aides (with AIDS).
"Who, that dork over there?"
"No, that thing that he's whittling."
"Say sir, what is that thing you're whittling?" asks one of the aides to Slappy.
"It's a stick," says Slappy.
"I know it's a stick, but what is the object that you're making?"
"Like I sez, it's a stick. See, I scrapes the skin off and now I'm whittlin' it down a little bit and then I intend to paint it brown and make look like a stick."
"Wow. A stick out of a stick," says one of the aides.
Pants are shat.
"May we have the stick when you're done with it?" ask the aides (all of them, simultaneously) with messy pant loads.
"Sure, it's just a stupid stick," says Slappy. "Here, take it now, I'll let you paint it. I'm gonna go down to the taco stand and get some nachos. Anybody want anything?"
"Uh, sure. I'll take a black bean taco with extra salsa, and a crispy taco, beef," says one of the aides.
"Oh, and I would like chicken burrito with rice and tomatoes, no onions. And a diet cola," says one of the other aides.
"Do you mind getting me a crunchy crispito and a..."
"Hold on," says Slappy. "Let me get a pen and write this shit down. Okay, I got a black bean taco with extra salsa, crispy beef taco for you. You want a chicken burrito with rice and - what else?"
"Tomatoes. Rice and tomatoes, no onions. And a diet cola."
"Got it," says Slappy. "Now what did you want?"
"A crunchy crispito and a limeade."
"Oooh, they have limeade? Say, stranger, can you change my diet cola to a limeade?"
"No, I cannot change it," says Slappy. "Once I write it down, it's written down. No changes."
"Oh c'mon, that's ridiculous. I really want a limeade."
"Tough shit," says Slappy.
"Oh, just change it. What's the big deal?"
"That's it," says Slappy. He throws down his pen and paper and pulls a ham sandwich out of his pocket. "Fuck the taco stand. I'll just have my ham sandwich. All ya'll babies can get yer own damn tacos."
He collapses.
"Man down!" yells a man up.
He lays on the ground with his aides around him. One of his aides has AIDS. The Highness stares through the legs of those around him and spots a bird in a nest in a tree.
The bird vomits.
It vomits up worm guts in the yappers of the little baby birds.
"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." His eyes shut. Sleep.
The aides looks around. One of the aides (the one with AIDS) says, "Look, over there."
Over there stands Slappy McBappy whittling a stick.
"His highness said that was the most beautiful thing ever," cries one of the aides (with AIDS).
"Who, that dork over there?"
"No, that thing that he's whittling."
"Say sir, what is that thing you're whittling?" asks one of the aides to Slappy.
"It's a stick," says Slappy.
"I know it's a stick, but what is the object that you're making?"
"Like I sez, it's a stick. See, I scrapes the skin off and now I'm whittlin' it down a little bit and then I intend to paint it brown and make look like a stick."
"Wow. A stick out of a stick," says one of the aides.
Pants are shat.
"May we have the stick when you're done with it?" ask the aides (all of them, simultaneously) with messy pant loads.
"Sure, it's just a stupid stick," says Slappy. "Here, take it now, I'll let you paint it. I'm gonna go down to the taco stand and get some nachos. Anybody want anything?"
"Uh, sure. I'll take a black bean taco with extra salsa, and a crispy taco, beef," says one of the aides.
"Oh, and I would like chicken burrito with rice and tomatoes, no onions. And a diet cola," says one of the other aides.
"Do you mind getting me a crunchy crispito and a..."
"Hold on," says Slappy. "Let me get a pen and write this shit down. Okay, I got a black bean taco with extra salsa, crispy beef taco for you. You want a chicken burrito with rice and - what else?"
"Tomatoes. Rice and tomatoes, no onions. And a diet cola."
"Got it," says Slappy. "Now what did you want?"
"A crunchy crispito and a limeade."
"Oooh, they have limeade? Say, stranger, can you change my diet cola to a limeade?"
"No, I cannot change it," says Slappy. "Once I write it down, it's written down. No changes."
"Oh c'mon, that's ridiculous. I really want a limeade."
"Tough shit," says Slappy.
"Oh, just change it. What's the big deal?"
"That's it," says Slappy. He throws down his pen and paper and pulls a ham sandwich out of his pocket. "Fuck the taco stand. I'll just have my ham sandwich. All ya'll babies can get yer own damn tacos."
