An Open Letter to Opossums

So an opossum decided to take residence under my house. It's a good thing the previous owner left an animal trap up in the attic because I set it to good use. I baited that shit with some fancy organic peanut butter and set it outside the house. Guess what? I tell you what! I trapped that little critter. Then I relocated that marsupial to the country where it can live free and be hunted by feral dog packs.

But, here's what I gotta say. I got words for you opossums out there. All right? You listenin' up? You guys are sick. Seriously. Ya'll are gross lookin' animals.

I mean, double you tee eff, man? How can you live with that nastay azz tail? Sheezus. If I had a disgusting tail like that I woulda gone out and gotten myself eaten by a coyote or some shit. You opossums need to learn after the squirrel. See the squirrel is basically a nasty gross rodent like a rat, but they got that cute bushy little tail. Oh, and instead of sqeaking, they make a cute chattering noise. Nobody runs and screams when they see a squirrel. Instead they go, "Hey, look at the cute squirrel eating those nuts like a little cutie pie." Nobody ever says, "Hey, look at that diseased fucking skeezy shithouse possum eating that filthy garbage like a little cutie pie."

Why ya'll gotta be like that? Take some animal pride in yourself, for fuck's sake.

Kong Long

Dammit! Why in the shit is a movie about a big goddamn monkey 3 hours long? WTF, man. It's a movie about a big dumb ape, it's not some art film. Edit that shit down, Peter "Lord of the Rings" Jackson.

I wanna see this movie for one reason. Watch an oversized Donkey Kong go ooo-ooo-ooo. I wanna see the big chimp fight dinosaurs and climb buildings and swat airplanes. That's it. A three hour running time means that there's way too much story getting in the way of this plot. This movie should be 100 minutes long. In fact, all movies should be 100 minutes long. All of them. Okay, most of them.

100 minutes is the perfect movie length. it's not too long, it's not too short. It's just right. 3 hours! That's gonna drive me bananas!

Wanna know how long the original 1933 King Kong was? That's right. 100 minutes. The 1976 remake was 134 minutes, and that movie sucked big bonobo balls. The 2005 version is 187 minutes. That's just way too many scenes of Jack Black trying to be a serious actor. C'mon Peter, quit monkeying around.

If I made this movie, I would do the following:

• 100 minute running time.


• Kong would chuck feces at stuff.


• Correct anatomy (i.e. King Kong ding dong)


• Cameo appearance by Louis Gossett Jr.


• ***SPOILER ALERT*** Kong survives at the end.